December 2011
1 post
written in a panic in the middle of the night
There are points in my life that I reach. Sometimes they’re brief, and fleeting, sometimes they darken my mind and haunt every one of my thoughts for years. A darkness falls over me, like a black velvet closing curtain ending a bright, successful career. I sink, deeper and deeper into the darkest depths of my mind. I fall into trenches so deep, it amazes me that my mind even holds them....
September 2011
1 post
i honestly want to die. the one thing i love hurt me more than i could ever imagine. i don’t know what to do anymore. i don’t know life without him, but i can’t stay with him and let him hurt me and walk all over me like i’m a worthless piece of ass. i’m thinking xanax as a cure. it’s not like he actually fucking cares anyway. yeah. bye.
July 2011
1 post
i keep having these dreams about being raped. i don’t know why, but every night this week i’ve woken up in a pool of sweat and completely out of breath. they’re just getting more frequent, and more intricate. i don’t know how to stop them, and i’m really not comfortable telling anyone about them either. god knows i can’t tell my boyfriend, because i’ll...
May 2011
2 posts
i honestly kinda wish
that he’d praise me as much as I do him… like when it comes to sex. I tell him often he’s the best I’ve had, and it’s more than true, but idk I really don’t get much feedback in return. I don’t want him to lie to me or anything if I’m not the best, but if I am then it’d be a nice thing to know, you know? Meh just rambling. You know how guys...
i think i've reached my breaking point
I’m starting to miss not having friends. I’d rather be lonely than miserable all the fucking time. I’m at the point where I think I just want to change my number, get rid of the negativity in my life and keep my friends who’ve never hurt me. That’s all of about four or five people. I’ll just hunker down and see my friends every once in a while and just try to...
April 2011
16 posts
you're tired of me? you can't stand us?
baby, tell me how you can say those things after you promised me forever and always? I feel like I should just start to get ready for some severe heartbreak here. It’s already starting to crack.
aha, and you blame me for freaking about the...
I love how my boyfriend’s blog is basically a place for him to bitch about me because he won’t say it to my face, even though he knows I’m going to see it eventually. Like… ugh.
So about Mike’s texts. Yes, Mike hates Justin. Yes, I’m Mike’s friend. But at least I don’t delete my messages from him like you did from Amanda’s soooo yeah. I told...
meh
I haven’t said anything to anybody, because I really don’t even want to think about it myself, but I’m so worried about my grandmother. That’s why my Dad flew down to Florida this week. He’s going to take her to Miami to make sure her brain tumor hasn’t grown. I hate that my family won’t say anything to me about it, either, and avoid the topic like the...
thingsthatmakeyouhorny:
185. When you walk away from sex with bruises all over your body, bite marks and can barely walk.
i'm sorry...
i’m sorry i’m not perfect. i’m sorry i do everything i possibly can to try and make you happy, to be your dream girl, and it still doesn’t work. if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. you want a scene girl, i change my look. you want a ginger, i dye my hair. you want a pothead? sorry, but i don’t like getting high. i apologize for not liking the feeling of...
1 tag
of course as soon as my spirits start to lift up,...
i learned an important lesson today.
Every morning when I wake up, or at least some point throughout my day, the past comes back to haunt me one way or another in various forms. Whether it be lying, cheating, heart-break, trust issues, depression, anxiety… it all happens, every single day. But it doesn’t just happen to me, it happens to everyone. So I think it’s time to decipher a plan on how to deal with those...
March 2011
23 posts
i'm finding it really hard to resist right now
because I want my xanax so fucking badly right now just so i don’t have to deal with myself alone in this fucking house all day. fuck all of this. i just want to go to Maryland.
i wish...
I wish I knew what it really takes to be happy. I don’t understand how I can be so miserable sometimes. Honestly, there isn’t much I can complain about right now. Yes, Justin cheated on me. Yes, I am still having an extremely difficult time getting over it, and I still hurt and cry every single night thinking about her in his arms when it should have been me. Jordan tried to give me...
soooo fucking bipolar
no really i am.
one minute i’m sobbing in a huddled ball because i’m in so much pain, the next it doesn’t hurt so bad. kjhskjhrskrjh i can’t win.
but i think if i do run off to wherever life takes me next summer, i’d at least bring him with me. it was in the promise, and not just any promise, a pinky promise, you can’t fuck with those nooo way jose. bad karma....
i don't know what to do anymore
Hello to my whoppingly tiny amount of followers. So, here we go. As you can all see, I haven’t really been on as of late. I have no energy to even rant about the things that are hurting me so badly anymore. Well, at least I haven’t had the energy lately. We’ll see what this post turns into, I have a few topics in mind that I’ll be hitting. I guess I should start off from...
i made a new fraand
his name is Mike. Ironically he’s the one who told Sam about Justin cheating on me with Nikki. He liked something on my facebook, which then sparked a conversation of why don’t walrus’ have knees, and it’s just been going since then. This kid is so fucking hilarious. And he’s actually really sweet and smart, too. I don’t really find him at all attractive, but...
truth be told,
I read his poem every night when I lay awake in bed
they say at times of extreme emotion you have a...
I’m starting to believe that very statement.
Since I found out about him cheating, there has been extreme flooding and torrential rain in my area. Tornados destroyed huge parts of Kansas. Hawaii’s volcano started to erupt at a more extreme rate. Japan experienced the largest earthquake they’ve ever recorded, was hit by a massive tsunami, which effected the entire Pacific Ocean....
so Greg messaged me on facebook.
he said:
alright uhm i dont really know how to put this without you being weirded out but there hasnt been one day where you didnt cross my mind and its because i never truley stopped loving you and i know you dont need me making things more complicated than they already are, i just needed to get that off my chest but i promise to keep those feelings separate from me just being your friend simply...
holy shit, today.
Well, I really didn’t get much sleep last night. Xanax is only good for an hour or two of sleep now. what the fuck? The rain kept me calm, though. I think I like it because it’s constant, just something that is there, that you’re aware of, but not at the same time. You don’t have to fear it, nor pay particular attention to it at the same time. You can just zone to it, feel...
OH.
and not to mention the fact that I’ve gotten at least three offers to have feel better sex. honestly? i’m not even single for twenty for hours and you motherfuckers are going to hop all over my dick? yeah, no, fuck you all.
part of me wants revenge. part of me wants to hurt him as he did me. but, the real me knows i could never do that. i can’t even think of myself with another...
ohh what a long day
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore at this point… I want so badly, more than anything for this to just go away, and for me to be able to go back to the way things used to be where I’d look forward to my weekends sleeping in his arms, being safe and loved… I want him back, I miss him, I love him… but I’m so fucking stubborn and proud. And scared. If it...
i'm so fucking scared right now
i honestly want to kill myself
what else is there to live for when your life gets thrown out from under you? when your everything was never really anything in the first place
this can't be happening...
I’m shaking, sweating, shivering, and throwing up every bit of food I’ve consumed in the last 24 hours. I surprisingly haven’t cried yet, but I think I was just numb. I can’t believe I flushed those fucking pills. I know I’ll be begging my stepmom for a xanax tonight just so I can sleep. I don’t give a shit what I said about stopping. I have nothing else to keep...
he has such an easy way of making me feel like he...
and it hurts. it makes me want to pull away. makes me want to detach incase he actually decides to do it. whatever. i don’t even have the energy for any of this right now.
i'm honestly not even going to begin to say the...
I honestly don't know what to do anymore
I see no point in anything anymore. Everything hurts me. Everything worries me. I’m nowhere near the person I want to be. Personality wise, physically wise, sanity wise. This is the first time in a long time that I can honestly say to myself that I would be okay with closing my eyes and not waking up. I’d never do anything to actually kill myself, because I don’t think I could...
Sudden realizations
Every fucking time I turn around he gives me another reason not to trust him… I don’t understand why I keep putting myself through this and still continue to treat him like prince fucking charming. Why is it that I can’t seem to find someone who is completely faithful and will be happy with just me? I’ll never be fucking good enough… So the question is do I stay and...
February 2011
31 posts
prepare yourselves for a long ass rant
(except nobody reads them anyway. aha. ehem, anywho)
We’ll start off with friday. Justin and mine’s five month. The beginning was a bit rocky with whatever the hell is going on with my stomach, and Pewee was over so they were pretty much playing Nazi Zombies while I curled in a ball of misery and just wanted to cuddle. But, alas, boys will be boys. He made up for it after that, for...
today, I just feel like cuddling in bed for the...
frustration up the ass right now...
1) of the sexual kind. unfortunately my boyfriend happens to be at his fathers. which happens to be very far from me. which means i’m shit out of luck until friday. great.
2) he’s got that little girl there, at his Dad’s, who also just so happens to be named Nikki… fucking fantabulous. And they’ll be hanging out today. wonderous. while I sit here and do homework....
