a diamond bullet, and a gun made of gold

written in a panic in the middle of the night

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:47:46 -0500

There are points in my life that I reach. Sometimes they’re brief, and fleeting, sometimes they darken my mind and haunt every one of my thoughts for years. A darkness falls over me, like a black velvet closing curtain ending a bright, successful career. I sink, deeper and deeper into the darkest depths of my mind. I fall into trenches so deep, it amazes me that my mind even holds them. It’s scary and disturbing, these places that exist inside of me. They’re constantly plagued by the morose surroundings of an antique clock- each time brings me closer and closer to my final moments. They remind me there is no escaping death. As much as I’d love to live my life to its fullest, chains hold me down, suffocate any cries that plead for somebody to light a match in the dark, to lead my way out of this fucking place. What is worse, though, is the reminder that everything I love has a time limit as well. Everybody I cherish and hold close will leave. Every last single fucking one of them. So I stop. I ask myself why I’m so wasteful with this precious time, comparable to a grain of sand amongst the vast ocean that is the lifetime of the universe. It blows my mind, how even though I understand this concept, I fail to change because of it. I need help. And sadly, I realize not a soul as powerful as God himself can help me. I can’t help me. So is this feeling hopelessness? Is helplessness really knowledge, and the price for having such a powerful thing balanced out by this tormenting place I can’t seem to fully escape? Sometimes, when I’m alone, I welcome the darkness. It scares me. Can it fully consume me? My being? Turn me into a creature damnable by God? A beast so damaged and hurt it will stop at nothing until the entire world knows my pain? I can’t be the only one with thoughts so abstract, so skewered and warped by a disturbed nightmare that is impossible to wake from. Perhaps this is my final cry to sanity. It’s only a matter of time before I have to let go.

i honestly want to die. the one thing i love hurt me more than i could ever imagine. i don’t...

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 21:26:16 -0400

i honestly want to die. the one thing i love hurt me more than i could ever imagine. i don’t know what to do anymore. i don’t know life without him, but i can’t stay with him and let him hurt me and walk all over me like i’m a worthless piece of ass. i’m thinking xanax as a cure. it’s not like he actually fucking cares anyway. yeah. bye.

i keep having these dreams about being raped. i don’t know why, but every night this week...

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 11:42:06 -0400

i keep having these dreams about being raped. i don’t know why, but every night this week i’ve woken up in a pool of sweat and completely out of breath. they’re just getting more frequent, and more intricate. i don’t know how to stop them, and i’m really not comfortable telling anyone about them either. god knows i can’t tell my boyfriend, because i’ll either be accused of lying or he’ll blame himself for it somehow. this just fucking sucks. i don’t know if it has to do with my past, or a fear of it happening in the future…? what do i do?

i honestly kinda wish

Thu, 12 May 2011 16:41:07 -0400

that he’d praise me as much as I do him… like when it comes to sex. I tell him often he’s the best I’ve had, and it’s more than true, but idk I really don’t get much feedback in return. I don’t want him to lie to me or anything if I’m not the best, but if I am then it’d be a nice thing to know, you know? Meh just rambling. You know how guys like to know their dick is bigger than your ex’s? Well I don’t know about all girls, but I wonder if I’m tighter than his. Now that I’ve made all of your lives sufficiently more awkward, I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette and probably take a nap or do laundry or something possibly but most likely not productive at all.

i think i've reached my breaking point

Mon, 09 May 2011 20:06:10 -0400

I’m starting to miss not having friends. I’d rather be lonely than miserable all the fucking time. I’m at the point where I think I just want to change my number, get rid of the negativity in my life and keep my friends who’ve never hurt me. That’s all of about four or five people. I’ll just hunker down and see my friends every once in a while and just try to survive this last year of highschool before I can just get away and not have to worry about anything or anyone but myself. End of story. I’m done.

you're tired of me? you can't stand us?

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 17:01:19 -0400

baby, tell me how you can say those things after you promised me forever and always? I feel like I should just start to get ready for some severe heartbreak here. It’s already starting to crack.

aha, and you blame me for freaking about the little things

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 15:48:20 -0400

I love how my boyfriend’s blog is basically a place for him to bitch about me because he won’t say it to my face, even though he knows I’m going to see it eventually. Like… ugh.

So about Mike’s texts. Yes, Mike hates Justin. Yes, I’m Mike’s friend. But at least I don’t delete my messages from him like you did from Amanda’s soooo yeah. I told you I have nothing to hid from you and I will be absolutely completely open about everything, so whyyyyy the fuck do you still have to play the tumblr mindgames? Things would be so much better with just a little more communication, love. So much better. But I doubt you’ll see that for yourself. And I’m not going to tell you because you’re most likely going to get all upset and quiet and insist nothing is wrong and blame it on how much you hate your house, or being tired, and it’ll break my heart to watch you battle inside your own mind and I have no way at all to help you. So I’ll sit there and won’t say anything until you start talking to me again. And the entire time I’ll be on the verge of tears, and my chest will feel tight, and it’ll hurt every time my heart beats. But that’s alright, because I never asked you to change for me. And I won’t. I don’t want to change you. I just want to help you, and love you, and hold you. But sometimes you won’t let me do that and it fucking sucks.

And of course, Sam tried to aplogogize to me. She texted me. And of course every single painful detail came rushing back to me like someone bombed the hoover fucking dam. Maybe if I’m lucky I won’t get fucked up and tell him I hate him again. I fucking hate hurting him, I hate seeing him anything but happy. Why the fuck can’t I just make him happy?

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Wed, 13 Apr 2011 18:11:25 -0400

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Wed, 13 Apr 2011 17:57:17 -0400

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Wed, 13 Apr 2011 17:56:55 -0400

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Wed, 13 Apr 2011 17:56:36 -0400

meh

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 17:54:00 -0400

I haven’t said anything to anybody, because I really don’t even want to think about it myself, but I’m so worried about my grandmother. That’s why my Dad flew down to Florida this week. He’s going to take her to Miami to make sure her brain tumor hasn’t grown. I hate that my family won’t say anything to me about it, either, and avoid the topic like the plague. I just lost my Nan last year, I really couldn’t handle losing the most influential woman in my life. Like, god damn, she raised me until I was eight years old. I really don’t even know if I could handle that. I know one day everybody has to die, but I’m not ready to let go of another person that is so close to me. I have hardly gotten to see her these past years, because between my school and the price of plane tickets it’s nearly impossible. I wish she’d come move up here so we could take care of her. Hell, she may even chase away the redheaded stepmonster that dwells in my house. She can’t really handle the cold weather, though, but I worry so much about her living on her own down there. She says all the time how she’s so lonely ever since GG died and Aunt Sarah moved to Tennessee. I want to help her so badly. In a perfect world she never would’ve moved, my Dad would’ve never married Debbie, and our relationship never would have crumbled. I just pray if the prognosis doesn’t look good that my Dad’ll actually tell me and not hide it from me.

In other news, I fucking hate people. I know formspring is really asking for drama, but some of the things people say are just beyond ridiculous. I really don’t know what I did to make peoples opinions on me so low, but apparently I’m a cheating whore with fucked up teeth in their eyes. I just don’t understand it. In every relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve either been mentally/physically abused or cheated on. And still I stayed faithful. So someone please tell me why in god’s name I’d ever do anything with anybody else now, when this is the best relationship I’ve had? Sad part is, he worries about it, too. I don’t know what would even warrant that seeing as I’ve never done anything to make him even think I was. Sure, rumors went around because my ex is a psychotic bi-polar fuck, but they were untrue. I don’t know, I just honestly don’t understand it is all. If anything I think I deserve to be trusted completely in this. Though lately I’ve learned what I think I deserve and what I actually get are the exact opposite these days. Fucking christ.

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Tue, 12 Apr 2011 20:24:33 -0400

OHMYFUCKINGGOD, THIS.

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 17:46:26 -0400

OHMYFUCKINGGOD, THIS.

ahaa, yeahh

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 17:45:33 -0400

ahaa, yeahh

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Tue, 12 Apr 2011 17:44:48 -0400

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Tue, 12 Apr 2011 17:44:30 -0400

thingsthatmakeyouhorny: 185. When you walk away from sex with bruises all over your body, bite...

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 17:40:54 -0400

thingsthatmakeyouhorny:

185. When you walk away from sex with bruises all over your body, bite marks and can barely walk.

i'm sorry...

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 17:24:33 -0400

i’m sorry i’m not perfect. i’m sorry i do everything i possibly can to try and make you happy, to be your dream girl, and it still doesn’t work. if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. you want a scene girl, i change my look. you want a ginger, i dye my hair. you want a pothead? sorry, but i don’t like getting high. i apologize for not liking the feeling of suffocation and my heart beating erratically out of my chest and feeling burnt and more tired than ever afterwards. i haven’t asked you to change a thing about yourself, never said ‘oh, i wish’ or even so much as hinted at it. because i don’t want you to change. i fell in love with you and have accepted every single fucking part of you, good and bad. and i’m sorry my inability to be the person you really want makes me so fucking insecure that every girl you hang out with, especially those who have the traits that i don’t, makes me jealous. i’m sorry i want to break down every time you point out my inperfections. i’m sorry i may not be the strongest person in the world, or the most stable. i’m sorry my past has fucked my head for the future. but i can’t be perfect, and i’m done trying. i’m ready to be me, the person who’se been trapped deep down for so long in fear that if i let her out i’d lose you. i just hope you can handle who i become, and i hope to fucking god you’re with me because you want to be and no other reason. i’m reaching the end of my rope here and i need someone to reel me back in, i just pray that person is you.

fuck this, i’m gonna go smoke a cigarette and lay in bed and mope. i don’t know why i bother anymore, i really really don’t.

of course as soon as my spirits start to lift up, his fall...

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 17:03:23 -0400